She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I had to cum in my sink.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
