Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
