Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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