He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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