Kareoke will never be a sober sport
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
