She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
