my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
