i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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