mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
