My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
