I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
