Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
