dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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