I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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