Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
