I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
