im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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