Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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