I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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