I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
