I think I won the penis lottery.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
