I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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