I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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