I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
