if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
