I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
