i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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