im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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