the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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