JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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