you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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