sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
