My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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