totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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