did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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