that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So squirting runs in the family.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I AM VODKA MAN
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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