OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
