if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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