I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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