Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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