I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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