is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
