I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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