I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
