you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
