I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
