i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I cannot find my penis.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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