Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
