dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
