Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
