he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
