Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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