I think I died a long time ago.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
