did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
